What apologies are you still waiting for?

It’s an easy thing to say we need to practice forgiveness, but it can be a hard thing to execute. Sometimes just getting the apology we’ve been wanting is the pivot point to moving forward into resolving and releasing the resentment. Desired apologies can be easy to identify when we consider ourselves to be the victim. But if the event exists in the shadow layer of our psyche, we may not even be consciously aware that we’re waiting for an apology. What happens when we have resentments that we’re not even conscious of? And how do we get apologies from people that are unaware, unwilling, or just not around to apologize to us?

Forgiveness and a subsequent letting go is critical to our health and wellbeing. Every time we hold on to a resentment, whether we’re conscious of it or not, we create an energetic sinkhole in our biology. This means that a substantial portion of the energy we have coming into our being gets diverted into our resentments. This leaves our physical body depleted of the energy it needs to stay strong, focused, and primed for repair. Over time, we may find our sleep disrupted or excessive; we may begin to eat foods that are calming (comfort foods) or quick energy boosts (sugar, caffeine) but that lack nutritional value; we may turn to substances, such as alcohol, that give the illusion of “all is well;” or we may begin to act in compulsive ways that ultimately sabotage our longterm wellbeing (excessive shopping, engaging in relationships that we know are not in our best interests, and other risky behavior).

Forgiveness, quite frankly, is the most SELFISH thing you can do. Because it is the GREATEST thing you can do for yourself.

Caroline Myss

Just a reminder, please do not dive into any event that still triggers you in extreme ways without the assistance of someone qualified to provide you with support.

Forgiveness does NOT mean you condone what’s been done. What it DOES mean is that you have released the energetic charge of the event. This often only happens once you’ve attempted to change your perspective in such a way that you might be able to understand what might have compelled the events that occurred. Most often, people get really hung up on the why and how of the event. How could someone do that to me? Why could they do something so hurtful or horrible? Those answers are often impossible to obtain. Even if we can ask those answers, the answers we get often do not make sense to us. In order to get around this “hook,” we can switch the questions slightly. Could you imagine ANY circumstances, no matter how unrealistic or repulsive, in which you MIGHT have acted in such a way? Obviously, this can become difficult the more damaging and violating the precipitating event was, so by no means is this exercise easy to do. More generally, you might reflect on times where you yourself were hurting or in pain, and in turn, inflicted pain on another, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Just changing the focus of the why and how questions often allows the hook to release in such as way that we can move towards release and healing. The most humbling of truths is that we are ALL, at one time or another, capable of inflicting pain or hurt on another human being. (!! Please note, this is NOT in any way encouraging one to take on responsibility, guilt, or shame for the event. This exercise isn’t implying in any way that someone deserves or “got what was coming to them” for past or potential actions.)

In some circumstances, the above exercise may be impractical or impossible to imagine. It may not serve you to dive into the event in detail, but rather to adopt a generalized stance that in some way, this trial provided an opportunity for you to understand forgiveness and healing at a whole new level. Can you identify any good that came from the event? Whether it’s awareness and understanding, the potential of emotional growth through forgiveness and healing, or the ability to offer empathy and support to others going through painful events themselves; all are positive outcomes that deserve to be identified. Again, this exercise can help release the “hook” that is preventing us from moving forward.

True forgiveness is breaking the emotional charge and energetic bond to our painful past, whatever that might be. What you’re left with instead is a memory, and a memory without emotional charge is called wisdom.

Joe Dispenza

I’ll outline below an iterative process to release resentments. Again, please use discernment in how deeply you go into an event. You can release at a higher level of of consciousness without diving into the details of the event; this process is NOT about reliving trauma.

  1. Keep a running list of people and/or events that have hurt you. As you work through the process below, if you feel an improvement in your emotional response, you will cross through the name/event. If it comes up again, even if it’s reduced in intensity, you’ll add the name back. The purpose of the list is simply to help you understand how much energy you have tied up in past events. It also helps you uncover events or people that are more subconscious. Don’t be surprised to find YOUR OWN NAME on the list several times. (When a name or event comes up multiple times, be sure to add both so you’re clear on what you’re working on.) This list is intended to be EMPOWERING, not defeatist. The goal here is AWARENESS.
  2. When you feel relatively calm, find a quiet place to meditate or reflect inwardly. A good time for many people may be first thing in the morning before events of the day add to your emotional state, or after a session of exercise in which you’ve been able to disperse excess/disruptive energy. (If you’ve had a night of poor rest or intense dreams, first thing in the morning may not be ideal.)
  3. For a few minutes, breathe deeply and slowly. Feel your body sink into the floor, and down through into the earth. Begin to slowly repeat the manta, “I am safe.” If, at any time during this process you find yourself feeling emotionally triggered, you can come back to this step.
  4. Set an intention that you will attempt embody and sit within your “highest self.” This highest self has a greater capacity for perspective, compassion, and forgiveness. This is a good time to call in any spiritual support you feel you need; angels, ancestors, guides, ascended masters, or others.
  5. When you feel ready, call up in your mind a single* person involved. Imagine them only at the level you’re comfortable. If their image feels triggering, you can picture them only as a vague form, or envision only their name. Remember through this process to breath and state “I am safe” if it feels necessary to do so. Also reach out and feel the loving support surrounding you anytime you feel alone, vulnerable, or unprotected. (*If there was a group of people, you CAN work with the collective group at once, but it’s often easier to work one to one.)

    Once you’ve called the person/event into consciousness, you may talk to them just as you would face to face. Express what you need to express, and ask questions you need answers to. If you don’t receive a response, respect that the answer is ultimately unhelpful and not in your highest good, and attempt to move on without it. Once you’ve said what you need to say, ask them to apologize. You will get an apology.

    An even more empowering exercise can be your awareness of any involvement you may have had in the event. Few events are solely ALL one person’s fault; often we act in ways that contributed to the event in some way, even if small. Perhaps we just regret that we didn’t see the signs sooner and disengage or walk away. This is about seeing clearly what role you may or may NOT have played in an event; this is NOT about accepting blame that isn’t yours to accept. If you played any part, then it’s empowering to acknowledge this with your own returned apology back to the person. This is less about claiming responsibility and more about saying, “I’m sorry that you and I, at a soul level, had to struggle through this event.” Perhaps you’re upset with yourself in some way, for not seeing the warning signs, or not responding in the way you wish you could have. Again, you can add a compassionate apology to yourself as well.
  6. See that there’s an energetic connection, or cord, between you and the person standing with you. This energetic connection fuels a pattern that you may see positioned somewhere along the energetic cord. This pattern can be considered a memory, but might also be something more substantial, like an ancestral or generational pattern. Take a moment to observe the cord, particularly where it’s attached to your body, the characteristics of the cord such as its diameter, color, etc., and observe the pattern that exists. How robust does the pattern appear to be?
  7. State the intention that you would like this cord to be unplugged and removed from your body. You may choose to the cut the cord yourself or ask for one of your spiritual support team to do it for you. Recite the following:

    – [Name or Event] – At this time, I choose to sever/cut/release this energetic cord that exists between us. I am reclaiming my energy and my power. I withdrawal energetic support of any patterns that existed between us. I am now energetically and spiritually free of [person] and/or [event].

    Watch what happens to the cord and pattern now that they are unplugged or released from your energetic field. As your energy is released/withdrawn, the cord and pattern should lose their vibrancy. You may see them disintegrate and break apart, falling to the earth to transmuted, transformed, and recycled.

    As an extra step, you may ask your spiritual team to come and ensure there are no lingering remnants of either the cord or the pattern.

I encourage you to keep notes of any messages or insights received during these sessions. You may need to repeat the exercise multiple times for highly charged events. Please remember that your safety and sense of well-being is of highest importance. Highly charged or traumatic events may call for a neutral, supportive person to help you work through these or similar exercises.

Stay tuned; a You Tube meditation walking through the steps above is being recorded and will be available soon!